Car and train jokes
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Andy wants a job as a signalman on the railways. He is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. The inspector puts this question to him: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?"
Andy says, "I would switch the points for one of the trains."
"What if the lever broke?" asked the inspector.
"Then I'd dash down out of the signal box," said Andy, "and I'd use the manual lever over there."
"What if that had been struck by lightning?"
"Then," Andy continues, "I'd run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box."
"What if the phone was engaged?"
"Well in that case," persevered Andy, "I'd rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there."
"What if that was vandalised?"
"Oh well then I'd run into the village and get my uncle Silas."
This puzzles the inspector, so he asks, "Why would you do that?"
Came the answer, "Because he's never seen a train crash."
A man walks into an auto parts store and says "I'd like a rear view mirror for my Yugo."
The man behind the counter thinks about this for a while, then says "Yup, seems like a fair trade to me."
One day, two guys were driving to a local grocery store to get some food. On the way to the store they ran into an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red.
The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!"
Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother allways drives like this."
So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!"
The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "I get it! But like I told already, you my mother drives like this all the time!"
Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The driver slammed on his brakes and stopped the car completely. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?"
The driver replied, "That's my mom's car coming over there!"
Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual morning cup of coffee, listening to the weather report coming over the radio.
"There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared," the weather report said. "You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets."
Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
The next day they're sitting down with their morning cups of coffee and the weather forecast declares "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets."
Again, Ole says "Jeez, okay," and gets up from his coffee.
Two days later, again they're sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast says, "There will be 6 to 9 inches of snow today, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the - "
Just then the power goes out and Ole doesn't get the rest of the instructions.
He turns to Lena and says "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?"
Lena replies "Aw, Ole, why don't you just leave the car in the garage today?"
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
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